Well, it’s June. The start of a new month. And I just moved into my new place a couple of days ago. I’m sort of unpacked and at least I have an internet connection again. (Sort of. It’s flaky and frequently just craps out… first thing on my “to do” list this week is to call and get that fixed.) So I guess things are slowly starting to settle down after the big upheaval that is separation and starting a new life.
It seems so strange to be here on my own. It’s weird to be renting again. It’s weird not having my children here with me all the time, and I miss them terribly. It’s weird, and highly inconvenient, not having a car anymore. Strange new neighbourhood. Strange new neighbours. Strange new life.
I feel somewhat lost and adrift; trying to figure out where and how to anchor myself when I have no idea whatsoever about what’s going to happen next. I try to keep myself focused on the life I want to build for myself, and not panic about how the hell I’m ever going to make it happen.
I was not prepared for the massive mood swings this move would bring. One minute I am in tears, and the next I am happily focused on the endless possibilities before me. Sometimes I am completely terrified that I won’t be able to do this on my own, and then the next, I am sure that I will look back on this as the best thing that could have happened at this time. It’s exhausting, this constant roller-coaster of emotions. All I really want to do is sleep, but I have too much to do. I still need to finish unpacking. I need to hang curtains in the basement. I need to get myself organized. I need to figure out how to create an income for myself so I can pay my rent. I need to figure out what I’m going to do with the rest of my life.
And I have no idea where to start with any of it. And it all just seems so… utterly overwhelming.
So I go back to the basics. I try not to look too far into the future because it’s just too frightening to contemplate right now. There are too many uncertainties. Instead, I try and focus on the smaller things that aren’t so overwhelming, breaking it down into baby steps and taking one day at a time. Yesterday, I wanted to get the boxes and tools off the kitchen counters and get that space tidied up. And I wanted to write a blog article so that I could start easing myself back into my regular posting routine. I wanted to vacuum the carpet and wash the floors from all the moving dirt. And I did manage to do all of those things, so I guess I actually had a fairly successful day.
Let’s see if I can do it again today. One thing at a time. One step at a time. One day at a time.
I can do this.
photo credit: pixabay.com cc
Hi Nathalie.
Just checking in to see what new insights you have. Nice article. One step at a time is the way to go.
I hope you have a chance to respond to comments. I am wondering, though, why you had to move out. The woman usually, as far as I know, keeps the roof over her head, as she needs to maintain the lifestyle she had before, while married. This is how I know it and it is practiced in my neck of the woods. Just wondering about that, if you do not mind.
Back to the baby steps. Keeping lists of what needs to be done and just working my way through it all. Eventually, it all gets done.
I did not “have” to move out; I chose to move out. I learned a long time ago that a house is just a house. Home is what and where you decide it is. The house meant more to him than it did to me, so I’ve chosen to rebuild home elsewhere.