How to Stop Being Jealous - Pinterest pinToday we are answering a question from an awesome reader who asks how to stop being jealous and feeling envious of what other people have in their lives. Jealousy is something we’ve all felt at one point or another, and the best way I’ve found of working through it is shifting the way we look at the situation we’re in when we feel that jealousy.


What are you focused on?

So, the first thing to realize about jealousy is that staying focused on it is not a good vibration to be in – it’s the absolute wrong energy to be sending out there if we want to align ourselves with what it is that we want. When we are jealous, we’re focused on the fact that what we want isn’t in our lives yet. The focus is completely on lack, which is not doing anything to bring what we want into our lives.

Beyond this obvious vibrational misalignment that keeps us in the “what I want isn’t here yet” mode, the more problematic issue with jealousy is that it’s usually a sign that we have a deeper, subconscious belief that says “what I want can never happen for me”. And that’s why jealousy burns so much – it’s because, deep-down inside of us, we have this hidden belief that we can never have what we want. So when we see someone else getting it, it’s really painful.

Jealousy is usually a sign of a deeper belief that what we want is impossible for us. (Tweet this!)

This can also be complicated by a belief that the other person doesn’t deserve to have what they have. There’s resentment, and a sense of victimization there that just makes everything feel so much worse.

How to stop being jealous

But how do we deal with it? Well, because the jealousy comes from this hidden belief that we can never have what we want, we start by working to shift that belief. And to do that, it helps to bring all the hidden stuff to the surface so that we can see it clearly, then analyse it and do something about it.

So I’ve got a little jealousy-shifting exercise for you to try today. This is going to take a bit of time, so don’t try to do this when you know you’re going to have to dash out the door to pick up the kids in five minutes. Give yourself a good half-hour to work this one, OK?

5-Step Jealousy-Shifting Exercise

So, in order to shift the hidden beliefs that are causing your jealousy, try this five-step process:

Step 1: Let it all out.

The first thing to do is acknowledge all the murkiness and unpleasant stuff you’re feeling about this situation. All the frustration, all the anger, all the fear, all the sadness. Just let it all out, validate it, and acknowledge that it’s there so that we can deal with it. In order to do that, what I want you to do is write out exactly how you’re feeling about this situation. For example:

I’m jealous of Mary because she got the promotion instead of me. It’s so not fair! I’ve been working my tail off for this company since I got here and I still have nothing to show for it! I love what I do here and really believe in our work, but Mary doesn’t even care about what we’re doing – she’s always booking off early and bad-mouthing everyone. Why would management pick her over me? I’m way better at this than she is and I get so much more done that she does. And it’s not like she needs the extra money – she’s just here because it gives her something to do until her husband retires – but I still have a mortgage to pay, and my daughter needs braces, and I’m pretty sure that I’m going to have to get the brakes done on my car next month. I have no idea how I’m going to pay for all this!

So that could be our statement. And again, what you’re doing here is basically just letting yourself vent. Get it all out of your system and on paper so that you can see it. Everything you’re thinking and everything you’re feeling.

Step 2: Find your pain points.

The next step is to analyse the statement you just wrote out and find the biggest things that bother you about this situation. What are the main reasons why this whole thing irritates you so much? Pull these items out into a bulleted list. For example, if we continue with our previous statement, we could find these pain points:

  • I’ve been working so hard here and no one even notices.
  • I’m a better and more productive employee than Mary is. I should have gotten the promotion.
  • Mary doesn’t care about our work, but I really do.
  • I need the freaking money more than she does! I hate having to be afraid of my bills!

So what we’ve just done here with step 2 is to identify the main themes, or the areas that are most important to you about this situation.

Step 3: Flip your focus.

So, up until now, all our work, all our statements – in our example, they’ve all been focused mostly on Mary, that awful person who shouldn’t have gotten the promotion, right? But, being the Law of Attraction savvy people that we are, we know that we can’t directly change other people – we can only change ourselves and our ways of seeing things. So in this step, we’re going to shift our focus away from the person we are jealous of, and over to ourselves.

So what you do is take each of your pain points and write a “want statement”. And what I mean by that is that, for each pain point, I want you to write out something that would make it better for you – write out what you would want to have happen. For example, our previous statements could become:

  • I want to be appreciated for my dedication to this job and this company.
  • I want to be recognized for my productivity and abilities.
  • I wish I could work with people who actually cared as much about the work we do here as I do.
  • I want more money! I want to be able stop worrying about finances!

So take your pain points and decide how you would want to feel about them, instead!

Step 4. Create your blueprint.

The next step is to take your “want statements” and use them to create a blueprint for your ideal situation. So, continuing with our previous statements, we could turn them into something like:

I want a job where I’m actually appreciated for my work; a job where I believe, heart and soul, in what our organization does and where everyone I work with is dedicated to doing the very best we can, and we’re all paid really well, so I never have to worry about money anymore.

Now, did you see what we just did there? This is where we’re really starting to work that shift in perspective. We’re starting to focus on what we want, rather than what we don’t want. We’re starting to change that underlying belief that we have, and we’re just starting to believe that maybe this kind of vision could happen for us. And you should be feeling that jealousy loosen up a little at this point. Which leads us to the next step…

Step 5: Push it to the max.

In step five, what we’re going to do is take that draft vision statement that we just wrote and we’re going to tweak it to really make it zing. We’re going to turn this into something that will really get you excited about what you’re now in the process of creating for yourself. So we’re going to use that draft statement and rewrite it into something even more positive and perfect for us. For example:

I have an incredible, great-paying job where I am recognized, valued, and appreciated for the exceptional value and integrity that I contribute to our team. I am so excited to be working on such an important project, with such a dynamic and dedicated group of professionals!

So what we’ve just done is created a vision statement for your ideal situation. You can use this statement to create affirmations and as a framework for your visualization practice. Use it as a focusing tool to help you align yourself with the vision and start manifesting! If you’re not comfortable with the “I have” part – if it feels like too much of a stretch for you – then soften that part up a bit. Use something like “I deserve” or “I am attracting” and see if either of those feels like a better fit for you.

Summing it up

So, let’s sum this all up. When you’re feeling jealous, use this five step process to shift your focus away from what you don’t want, and over to what you do want:

  • step 1: let it all out – just let yourself vent… write out everything you’re thinking and feeling about this whole situation and get it onto paper;
  • step 2: find your pain points – go through your “venting” work and make a list of the main things that bug you about this situation;
  • step 3: flip your focus – turn your pain points into “want statements” your pain points are what you don’t want or don’t like, so flip each one of them around and make a list of what you do want instead;
  • step 4: create your blueprint – take your “want statements” and turn them into a paragraph or a few sentences that capture what your ideal situation would be; and
  • step 5: push it to the max – take your blueprint statement and push it even further – write it out as concisely as you can in a way that makes you feel absolutely awesome and excited about the possibilities ahead of you.

By the time you’ve finished this process, you should be feeling much better about this situation that was causing you to feel so jealous. Ideally, your jealousy should be more or less evaporated, and you should be focused on feeling fabulous and on creating that ideal situation of yours.

Learning how to stop being jealous is a matter of shifting the way you look at the situation and dealing with the underlying belief that you can’t have what you want. Remember that your ability to create your vision does not depend on anyone else. Regardless of what anyone else does or what anyone else has – you can have this vision! You have now created the seed of a new dream for yourself! Keep yourself aligned with it, keep yourself focused on it and feeling good about it, and it can’t help but manifest itself into your reality.

photo credit: cc (modified by me)

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